heartbreak, love, Relationships

An open letter to the one I wasn’t ready for: Response “To the one who wasn’t ready”

First and foremost I want to start by saying I’m truly sorry I was not ready for you.

I understand the pain I must have left upon you, because I felt it just as badly from the moment I admitted I wasn’t ready for you.

I know I convinced you that you were the one for me. I even temporarily convinced myself.

I’m sorry for the apology I never gave you when I said I wasn’t ready for you. I’m sorry for providing no explanation for the sudden pain I left upon you. I’m sorry for building you up, only to break you down once again like others in your past.

Most of all I’m sorry for convincing myself I was ready to love again.

I could see that you were relying on me to make you feel whole again. I have always wanted to be the reason for someones smile. I have always imagined that one day I would be just that. Someones happiness.

I thought I was ready for you. The happiness you initially brought me temporarily fulfilled the emptiness I suffered from my past heartache. When I met you, my insecurities were no longer and the troubles from my past seemed so far away.

They say time heals everything, as you had mentioned many times before, but unfortunately time had not taken its course to heal me and soon enough, my insecurities returned once again and my troubling past came back to haunt me.

 Before you came along, I was recovering. I was trying to understand how I could give my all to someone and it was still not enough to stick around. I thought I finally had a grip on the understanding that perhaps you were the perfect solution to fix my problems.

I have always searched for the perfect individual to make up for the flaws that I see in myself. Eventually, the pressure of needing to keep up with what I saw to be perfection was weighing down too heavily for me to maintain my balance and I fell. Hard. But not the type of fall you wanted. Needed.

You were perfect for me. That indeed was not a lie. I on the other hand was not perfect for you. In order for me to be what you needed, I needed to learn to accept my flaws in order for another individual to accept them too.

Although you were always willing to fully accept the baggage I carried with me, I was not ready to have you attempt to carry it. I was not ready for you to know my flaws existed. I was not ready to admit that my insecurities controlled my life and relationships in its entirety.

You were not the first person I had to walk away from without explanation. You were not the first person who I wouldn’t share my insecurities with. But, you were the first person who was willing to pick up the baggage that came along with me.

You were the first person that has come into my life in quite some time that recognized my insecurities. That recognized how badly I was hurting on the inside, even when I didn’t think it was showing. I noticed that you could see my flaws and how ashamed I was of them. That realization only made me want to get further away from you.

It hurt me to say goodbye.

It hurt me to think about what could have come from our growing relationship. I knew if I stayed, I would have only brought you more heartache in the long run.

I saw in you the kindest heart and the love you had to share with others. You did not see that in yourself and I wanted so badly to help you see in you what I could see.

So I built you up. I told you to be vulnerable, to open up to me and to talk about your previous heartaches.

My intentions were never to hurt you.

My intentions were to set you free from the jail cell you kept yourself locked in all these years.

My intentions were to help you find your way back to yourself again.

You were a caretaker. You even took take care of me. Trust me, I definitely needed some taking care of, but I knew you too needed someone to take care of you. To give to you what I was not capable of providing at this point in my life.

I wanted to be the one you needed. I wanted to be the one who would see you find yourself again because you were more than ready for that.

I know you are now becoming the version of you that you have always wanted to be. I know now that you are ready to share your with someone who deserves it.

I hope one day when I cross your mind that you think of me and smile. I hope you now realize that my intentions were to guide you in the direction of something greater. Not in the sense of a better human being than myself, but in the sense of finding your way back to you.

I may not have been ready for you, but you were always ready to love yourself again. You were on the edge, practically falling and too afraid to jump. So I simply gave you a needed shove.

Photo by Julia Caesar on Unsplash

heartbreak, love, Relationships

To the one who wasn’t “ready”

You took me by surprise, coming into my life at a time when I was still learning to love myself. At first you were sweet, thoughtful, spontaneous and always bringing out the best in me. I felt as if I were finally regaining my happiness back and then you re-broke my already damaged heart (so I thought). They say you should never rely on an individual to bring you happiness in the first place, but hey I’m human, I was blinded.

You convinced me I was what you wanted, that I was “perfect” for you. In such a short amount of time, I opened up to you, after years of being closed off to anyone who tried to get in. I was vulnerable. Ready to let you in, ready to speak upon my feelings of sadness and heartbreak from the past, but then my world was again temporarily shattered. I say temporarily because the heartbreak is never permanent. Time certainly heals all wounds.

I thought I did everything right, for a matter of fact, I know I did everything right. You said so yourself, the moment you let me go. Countless nights of loosing sleep left me feeling rejected, unwanted, like the end of us was my fault. I replayed the way you broke my heart over and over in my head trying to understand where things went wrong. I never understood, until now.

Things didn’t go wrong; they were actually never going right from the beginning. We skipped the honeymoon phase & went straight to the wedding. We got so comfortable together because you too, were damaged from the past. Looking back, I know you weren’t ready for me because you were still healing yourself. I could see it, but sometimes the heart tends to ignore what your head is trying to tell you.

I wanted so badly for you to want me again, to make me feel happy again, to be the person I thought I needed to feel whole again. Now I see, I didn’t need you; I wanted someone to set me free from the things I kept bottled up inside. I just needed you to be the one to finally get me to open up again, to realize I needed to let go of my past. It was time to stop being bitter & to finally learn to love myself again.

You may not have been ready for me, but I on the other hand, was more than ready for you. Not in the sense of being ready for you to be the one, but ready for the wake up call that you brought to me. I needed someone like you to come into my life. I prayed for you for years.

See, you served a deeper purpose in my life than you will ever know. It took me some time to realize that. I confused you letting me go for breaking my heart, but really you helped me make it whole again.

Since you said those words, “I’m not ready for you”, great things have happened to me.

I have finally let go of my hurtful past. I made amends with those who have hurt me and forgave them for doing so. I have apologized to the ones I have hurt, that never got an apology from me.

I have opened up to those around me; I speak my mind and never hold back my thoughts and feelings. I finally tell people what I want. I tell people what I need, and I don’t hold back out of fear of rejection.

Most importantly, I have realized that I am enough for me. I am healed and I love myself again. Every flaw, every being of me, I love unconditionally. One day I can share that love with the one who is ready for me.

It’s OK that you were not ready for me, but I hope that you will be ready for the day that someone else is not ready for you. You will feel betrayed, hurt and question what you did wrong. If I know you well enough, I know you will blame yourself. Go ahead blame yourself, get sad, angry and question what you did. These are normal feelings of thinking it is your fault for not being “good enough”. These feeling will soon dissolve.

One day you will finally wake up and see that you will now be ready to let go of your past too. You will realize you needed to learn to love yourself first before you could share your love with anyone else. You will be honest about your feelings, you will tell people what you want, what you need and you won’t be afraid of rejection. You won’t unknowingly hurt someone else because you now know what it feels like to hear those 4 words.

When the storm settles, and you make peace with yourself, you will finally know how it felt to be in my position. You will finally understand why I was so hurt; why I never understood how I could do everything right and it just wasn’t good enough for you. I hope you make amends with the ones you have hurt and I hope I get the sincere apology that I never got.

I want you to know, I’m thankful that you came into my life. I do not hold a grudge against you and I will always hold a special place for you in my heart. As crazy as it may sound, I’m happy you weren’t ready for me. I’m happy you left me without explanation because you gave me the greatest gift of all, Love for myself.

 

-The one you were not ready for